Recovery repairs relationship between father and son

I spent most of my life depressed. The only variation was the degree of depression, cycling back and forth between moderate to severe depression. Nothing really ever helped; the medications simply modulated it from severe to tolerable.

When I found Al-Anon, my life changed. I discovered I had needs. Then I slowly learned how to take care of those needs. Most importantly, I learned the meaning of being at peace. It was not an easy lesson: it took working the Steps, finding a Sponsor, and accepting the ongoing process of surrendering to a Higher Power.

I had not had contact with my family in more than a decade when I found my father. He had been homeless and traveling between rescue missions. He had found A.A.

Our mutual recoveries allowed us to make amends. For the first time in my life, I truly had an opportunity to experience having a father. Our relationship was not perfect. But he wasn’t drunk and I could communicate with him, which was vastly different from my childhood experience.

Before he passed away, there was nothing between us that had been left unexpressed. He died knowing I loved him, and I knew that he loved me. I am glad I got to know him in a healthier way during the last 15 months of his life. When he died, I was devastated. I felt God had allowed me to find him only to take him away from me. It was too short a time with a father I had never known.

Al-Anon helped me to realize a miracle. My father’s death taught me how to experience pain while maintaining a state of serenity. I had finally experienced what I had often heard—and more importantly witnessed—among the “long-timers” in Al-Anon.

I was experiencing a level of serenity that was not dependent upon outside circumstances, but more on my conscious level of contact with a Higher Power. It was, has been, and continues to be soothing.

Al-Anon taught me how to accept pain over the years; this pain felt appropriate. I had grown to realize that pain was not my enemy; I had often learned valuable lessons from pain. It had always been my resistance to pain that increased my misery more than the pain itself.

To experience my father’s death became a gift because I learned how to grieve and accept pain without misery. It was at this time, about eight years ago, that I got off the depression medications completely. Today I do not fight with anyone, or anything—especially my own feelings. I have come to believe that I need all of my feelings, even those I do not intentionally invite in.

Today I am grateful for the process of recovery. Thanks to Al-Anon, being at peace has become as natural in my life as depression once was.

By Michael W., California
The Forum, February 2010

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